My wife Bridget is well known for her incredibly specific shopping lists. (I’ve previously written about this: The Call of Shame.)
My buddy Dave is in a similar situation. Actually, the shopping lists he gets from his wife (which he always forwards to me for comedic value) are far more specific and detailed than any list I’ve ever received.
This is the list he was given this week. I’m not making any of this up. These are real items on his real shopping list…(and yes, I have permission to reprint it here)
4 oz wild pacific/Alaskan lox
Pecorino cheese wedge
Crumbled feta or blue cheese
Organic lettuce or spinach - dark color
2 1/2 gall whole organic milk
Frozen berries (boreal blue, mixes)
Frozen wild/Pacific salmon
Peanut butter - peanuts,salt only
3 Hemp plus granola - green box
Pnut butter Puffins
Plain whole oats
Olay regenerist microsculpting cream 2 pack- get 2 if much less than $58/pk
Clear care contact solution (none if they don’t have it)
Kirkland green dishwasher POWDER (not dish soap)
Cereal-sugar <= 10g; protein and fiber >= 2g
100% juice bottle (prefer light color)
Extra virgin Olive oil (NOT Kirkland)
Organic butter no salt
Benadryl if reasonable
81 mg aspirin
Envelopes yeast (baking aisle)
Oxobrite (laundry aisle)
It would take me six hours to buy the items on this list. It only took Dave two.
We’ve been trying to explain to our wives why it’s so difficult for us to complete these allegedly simple tasks, but they don’t understand. They just think we’re morons. I think I’ve finally come up with a way to explain it that will get our message across. The list below is one I would consider a comparable list. All of these items can eventually be found in one large sporting goods store.
Lance Briggs 2007 road jersey, Large (NOT home jersey)
Bagley’s Go-Devil green back, gold foil fishing lure (collectible version only)
The North Face Snowkat II (not Snowkat I) Mens Winter Boot (left foot, size 10, right foot, size 9 1/2)
Master Lock 8195D Keyed U-Lock with Carrier Bracket (for bicycle)
TaylorMade Burner Steel Fairway Wood - Graphite Shaft - (5 wood stiff flex)
COPAG Poker Sized Cards: Red and Blue Paisley
Dalco Umpire Shirt, Light blue, extra large
La Crosse Technology WS-450 Color Forecast Station (electronics aisle)
There are only eight items on the list. It shouldn’t take more than a half hour. And if we get a call from the store asking for an explanation, we will sigh loudly before answering.
Post Script: I showed this column to Bridget and her response was: “I may not be able to find that stuff in 30 minutes, but I still wouldn’t call home saying (while rubbing her hands near her eyes) ‘Oh boo hoo–I can’t find it!’ I’d ask for help at the store.
Post Script to the Post Script: I guess we really are just morons.