My dog Ivy has become my constant companion. As soon as the boys leave for school every morning, it’s just the two of us; man and dog. When the boys are around they can still whip her into a frenzy, but when it’s just Ivy and me, she has learned to live life at my pace: Sloooooooooooow.

I love that. I can’t wait until she gets fat and old too. Then life will be perfect.

Already there are really only a few things that make her jump during the day.

#1: The doorbell.
She knows her job is protecting us, and she hops to it when somebody tries to invade our space. Luckily for her, very few people come by during the day. Her job is about as demanding as an all night security guard at a suburban parking lot. She mostly just sleeps on the job.

#2: My keys.
The jingling sound of car keys makes her booty shake like K.C. and the Sunshine band. “Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy.” The mention of the word “Ride” makes her butt wiggle like a Fly Girl. (Those are references from the 70s and 80s, kids. Send me an e-mail if you need a translation).

But there’s one thing that excites her even more. There’s one thing that will make her jump out of a deep sleep and run at full speed immediately…

#1: The Dishwasher
When that dishwasher opens (and our’s squeaks a little bit when it does), she can get there in less than a second from any part of the house. The opening of the dishwasher represents a smorgasbord, a taste sensation, a veritable cornucopia of flavors. “Is that the pizza cutter? Mmmm. Those are the grill tongs, aren’t they? Mmmmm. A plate full of dried BBQ sauce? Where do I sign?”

I know the stereotype of doggy heaven is a place where dogs can roam in open fields for eternity.

I have a feeling it’s slightly different. I think it’s a row of open dishwashers filled with dirty dishes and utensils stretching as far as their doggy eyes can see; each successive dishwasher packed with another flavor of food chunks from around the world.

Mmmm, Greece. Yummm, Germany. Yowza, France.

That, my friends, is truly doggy heaven.

Although if Ivy has any control over the countries that are chosen to participate, she humbly requests that India be excluded. She’d rather eat plastic than vegetables.