I am having a difficult time during the day, when the house is quiet, the kids are at school, Brian is at work and it’s just me…all alone.

I know there are many Moms out there that would love this opportunity but it’s just not for me. I MISS my kids and the life of being a stay at home Mom. I have spent a lot of time thinking about getting a temporary job, but I realize that not many people would be interested in hiring a woman who is five months pregnant and also, I know that the best thing I can do during this pregnancy is relax.

For awhile I started to get down about the situation but I don’t know, something happened last week and I decided to just CHILL OUT and enjoy this season that is down time during this pregnancy before the baby arrives. So…

I’m visiting with my friends more often…I’m doing more photo shoots and even updating my photography website…I’m baking! For us! and for friends! and I’m reflecting. Relaxing. Enjoying this season.

When the kids get home from school, the madness of homework, snack time, dinner and bath time begins and the night flies by and before I know it, the kids are in bed and I’m back in the living room sitting and reflecting on the day. The day that started out alone but ended up being so full.

And at the end of the day, we are all happy and there is a growing, kicking baby inside of me and I realize that no matter how I’ve spent my day…life is good. And that’s all that matters.

Yesterday, my five year old got off the bus with a fever, which is the exact thing that happened to my daughter this past Monday.

It was so obvious that he felt sick, red cheeks, runny nose, big brown eyes, okay, maybe the eyes didn’t tell me anything but they are big and beautiful, so I may as well mention them, right?

On Sunday, we all felt great. We were our usual happy and healthy family, taking down the Halloween decorations, visiting family, playing Uno, taking baths and then Monday hit and it’s like we were literally hit by a semi truck with my daughter getting the flu first.

By Tuesday night, I had it, my daughter still had it but everyone else was okay.

But now, my husband is the lone healthy one. Luckily, he’s also the best helper and waffle maker ever, so we are surviving just fine, just not in the same happy-go-lucky way our family does.

We move much slower now, we are not very snappy dressers when we are sick and it’s much quieter right now since I have no voice, whatsoever. (which I think pleases my husband a bit too much.)

Thankfully, my daughter is better, I’m certain I’ll be much better soon and well, my son still has a few days ahead of him.

I’m looking forward to the day, sometime really soon, when we’ll be back to our old selves…but for now, I’ll just enjoy napping whenever I want and snuggling all day long.

The other night, I asked my daughter what she liked most about me.

Her answer nearly brought me to my knees with it’s sincerity but mostly, her answer made me feel like a pretty good Mom. Getting THAT reassurance from your own child is a wonderful feeling.

Every year, the night before my kid’s birthday, I interview them and post the interview on my blog. I ask them questions about them, things they love, things they don’t love, their favorite colors, etc. It changes every year, it’s a great tradition that I thought of a few years ago and I love to go back and read their answers and see how much they have changed.

I’ve decided to interview them today, but not about birthdays, instead about me, as a Mother. I think you should do the same. (just to let you know, when you are typing out the questions and the answers, they become very distracted, so maybe try this without a computer in front of you!)

Five year old Noah:
What do you love most about your Mom? I love you better than birthdays.

Why? Because I like you really really really really really really much.
What do I do that you like? Sometimes you give me uppy when you don’t have a baby in your belly. I like it when you play Rock Band with the whole family.

What do you like to do with your mom? I like to snuggle with you every morning.

What’s your favorite thing about your Mom?

I like that you make lunch and I like it when you watch me outside.

Six year old Anna:

What do you love most about your mom? I like to snuggle, play Rock Band, coloring, you are sweet and caring, you are lovable, you are cute and cuddly.

What things do you like that I do for you? You give me breakfast, get games down for me, make dinner and lunch.

What do I do that you DON’T like? Nothing.
Really? Do you like it when I tell you to clean your room? No.
Why not? Because I don’t like cleaning.
If you don’t clean, whose going to clean for you? My brother.

Everyday, I go over the school lunch menu for the kids’ school to find out what they’d like for lunch the following day.

I let them choose between home lunch and school lunch.

Noah almost always chooses home lunch. When I pack their lunches, I pack a sandwich, string cheese, fruit and a dessert. The dessert is usually a cake of some sort, like a Little Debbie or something from Hostess. This is a big deal to them because I have always done a good job of not really offering many sweets to them. In fact, it’s to the point now where Noah actually chose raisins over chocolate chip cookies at his Grandma’s house the other day. And this is not a rare occurrence.

However, they still enjoy their treats when they get them. Who doesn’t?

Because I was a stay at home Mom, I could consistently make their lunches everyday. Same type of food, same time, every day. They would first eat a sandwich or some other main item with a vegetable and maybe some cheese or a few crackers. Once they were finished with that, I gave them fruit as their dessert.

It worked quite well for us. It has worked out so well that if I don’t give them fruit, they both complain.

So, now that the kids are in school and I’m not there to personally deliver them their lunch, I just trust that they’ll make the right decisions and also eat their lunches.

Noah ALWAYS eats all of his lunch. He is not a rule breaker and even eats his food in the same order. Sandwich. Cheese. Fruit. Dessert. I love his sweet innocence and realize that it will not last forever, but for now, ohmy, it’s the best.

Yesterday, Noah sits down, minding his own business at the lunch table, eats his entire bologna sandwich with butter on whole wheat, eats his string cheese, devours his grapes and carefully opens up his ho-ho. He pulls it out of the package, sets it on the table and the girl next to him smashes it.

He picks it up and throws it away.

He tells me this story and my first instinct is to go kick some kindergarten tail, but I realize, that is not a wise decision. I want to cuddle him and offer him a FEAST of ho-hos, but I don’t, I want to call the school and his teacher and find out WHY this five year old child is TOUCHING my son’s food. But I don’t do that, either.

But I can’t stop thinking about this happening to him. I can’t stop feeling what his heart must have felt like when he watched this happen, he is such a good boy and he would never even think to do something like this and yet, this happens to him.

So, what did I do? I explain to him that what that child did is the exact reason why we want to be nice and loving to everybody. That we never want to make someone feel the way she made him feel.

He agreed. And I hugged him and kissed him and told him I was sorry it happened to him.

And then I told him he had better tell his teacher the very next day.

Not surprisingly, he said “okay.”

What not to say to a pregnant woman:

-Wow…you like nice and pregnant.

-Are you sure you’re not having twins?

-You’ve got a long way to go and you are going to get so much bigger.

-You are going to have your HANDS FULL.

-You’re pregnant, again? Do you know how this works?

-Are you really, really sure you’re not going to have twins?

-You look like you could go any day now…really? Two months to go? OHMYGOD.

-Should you be eating that?

-Wow. Someone is hormonal.

-Are you really THAT tired?

-Are you going to get fixed after this one?

-I can’t believe you just ate all of that.

-Why are you so mad? All I said is that your ankles are huge.

Have any to add?

When my kids started preschool a few years ago, I loved when they would come home with school work, I could see what their little hands did while they were away. They were always so proud of themselves. I would hang everything up.

I usually showed everyone who came over, too. (Yes. I was that person.)

Now that they are in first grade and full day kindergarten, the papers aren’t so cute anymore. I’m pretty sure it’s because everyday they come home with 62,000 pieces of paper and 88,000 pieces every Thursday. (Thursday is EXTRA PAPER DAY.) (apparently.)

I can’t keep it straight and I only have two kids. I’m swimming in the papers and I’m certain I’m missing something. Maybe a note from a teacher telling me that my daughter is brilliant or a reminder note telling me that I needed to send in $5 with my son so he can attend the field trip. If I don’t, he has to sit in the corner of an empty room all by himself.

GAH!

That whole field trip scenario is actually a very big fear of mine today. He has a field trip and I’m so scared that it really wasn’t free. I mean, is anything free anymore? (sweating, panicking, breathing…)

This is what my table looked like last night before dinner.

In my haste to serve a warm, somewhat healthy dinner in a timely fashion, rather than putting everything away, I piled it up into massive piles where the papers will multiply and the piles will soon overtake my life and kill me.

Because who can throw their kids school work away?

If you can…tell me how you do it and then tell me how you live with the guilt.

k?

and hurry, I’m running out of room.

I’ve written probably fifty times in the past about the guilt felt by a Mom. Maybe it’s because I yelled too much at my kids or they didn’t get the recommended amount of fruits and vegetables on any given day, whatever it is…there is always guilt.

When I found out I was pregnant this time around, I felt about eleventy bajillion different emotions, but mostly I wanted to feel excited but something always stopped me.

It was fear. Fear always stopped me.

After our first ultrasound, we let go of the fear, a little bit, and we told the kids about the pregnancy. Their first question? “Are there two babies? Will they die?”

It’s what they know. And that makes me sad.

As the weeks have gone by, their faith in this pregnancy has grown just as it has for us. But for me, as the baby grower, rather than just feeling LOVE and EXCITEMENT with FEAR sprinkled on top, I feel guilt.

Guilt because I’m sick. And I’m tired. And I’m emotional. All of the symptoms I am so HAPPY to have, but each one affects my family. I try to remind myself that this is a season, a necessary season in our life and I won’t always feel so poorly, I try to forgive myself and just BE pregnant, but it’s really hard.

The chores, the responsibilities build just as quickly as my guilt. I feel like a failure, like I suck at being pregnant, at the end of the day I walk through my house and notice nothing but the mess, the to-do’s left all over my home. It hurts.

But every night before I go to sleep, I lay in bed in the quiet dark. I pray, I listen, I feel my body do what it needs to do. I’m grateful for this chance to grow this child whose heart beats perfectly inside of me and I let go of the rest.

For that moment, the guilt is gone and peace rests comfortably within me.

The kids have been in school for one week and we are far, far, far from making a schedule for ourselves. I need a schedule, a routine, I always have and since having children my desire to have one has turned from desire to necessity. Sometimes it drives people crazy (myself included) but most of the time it’s really important and makes our family life run smoothly.

So this whole “KIDS GOING TO SCHOOL ALL DAY LONG AND HAVING HOMEWORK AND BATHS AND EARLY BEDTIMES,” well, there is a lot to be adjusted. And we have a long road ahead of us.

But right now, while the weather is still right, we are still allowing plenty of time for bike rides and playing catch and running around after dinner. I miss so much the kids laughter and personalities throughout the day. So, at night, when we cram a lot into a little bit of time, QUALITY TIME is key. And because of that I get to hear a lot of laughter.

It’s awesome.

Way back when I was a wise old 19 year old girl, I thought, “man, I have yet to get married AND buy a house AND have a baby, but then after that, what else will I do?”

And then I got married.

Four years later we had a baby.

Six months later we bought a house.

Five months later we had another baby.

And then I started to sweat, a lot, with the two kids under the age of one.

And here we are five years later, today both of my kids went to school for a full day for the first time ever. Anna in first grade. Noah in full day kindergarten.

I’ve spent the last six years at home with my kids and now, suddenly…they’re gone.

I look back at the last five years and so much has happened, nothing celebratory like a wedding or birth, we’ve experienced losing our twin sons, we’ve experienced moving again, but mostly we experience everyday.

The ordinary everyday that is so consuming and honestly, so beautiful.

It just flew right past us.

Yesterday morning, Noah and I snuggled in bed when he first woke up. It’s something we did often during the summer. He literally crawls next to me and says in a very sleepy voice “I love to snuggle with you, Mommy.”

We lay there for a few minutes and I say “I can’t believe you are starting kindergarten tomorrow.”

He replied with “I know. I didn’t know turning five would be so fast.”

Neither did I. But my goodness, these past five years have been amazing.

I can’t wait to see what’s in store for the next five.

A lot can happen in a few weeks. The last time I wrote about my kids going back to school, I lamented about them going back, I didn’t want them to be gone all day long, every single day. The thought made me dread the first day of school - and the entire school year.

But as much as I’m loving summer and spending time with them and not hearing my annoying alarm clock every single morning, I think I’m now looking forward to the school year.

I promise it doesn’t have to do with the fact that I’m looking forward to having time alone, because I’m honestly not looking forward to it that much. Maybe just a little.

My excitement is being fed from their excitement. They are counting down the days and every day they get closer to the date they scream and cheer and talk about how awesome it’s going to be. They also tell me I’m the best Mom ever for sending them to school.

How can I not feel good about that? And hey, I know they won’t always have this attitude about school, so I’m going to embrace while the going is good.

I am dreading the early mornings, the strict nighttime schedule, the lack of time they’ll get to spend with their Dad since they have to go to bed so early and the daily homework battles, but I’m looking forward to Anna and Noah experiencing school and all it has to offer.

It’s going to be good. For everybody.