Right now the sun is shining in through my windows, making it almost impossible for me to see my computer screen, I’m not complaining, I’m thrilled.
At this point in my pregnancy, I am losing some of my sunny, positive disposition that I’ve held. It’s confusing because I have been so scared throughout this entire pregnancy, scared of losing the baby, afraid of bad news but I’ve enjoyed it every time Braxton Hicks comes my way or the fact that getting of the couch has become a struggle.
Recently, I’ve started to not really enjoy these things, but still appreciate them, as they come so perfectly with the territory of carrying an apparent 40 pound child.
And where I can accept the physical challenges as just that, I’m having a more difficult time with the mental challenges. The lack of patience for my kids, the severe fatigue that is ravaging my body and making me horribly cranky and I look in the mirror and I definitely do not think “cute pregnant lady.”
All of these things affect my mood and actually make ME not want to be around people, trying to protect them from my ugliness.
I become even more frustrated thinking about right now I’m preparing to PARENT another child, but in the meantime, feeling like a failure as a PARENT to my two children who are by my side right now.
And so, this is a season, I know, a difficult season that puts a strain on me and those that live with me. This pregnancy has been so happy and filled with hope and joy, although it still is, it makes me sad to think that perhaps we aren’t looking at this pregnancy as positively because the Mom, the Wife, the Me seems to always be grouchy.
Which is so annoying.