I’ve written probably fifty times in the past about the guilt felt by a Mom. Maybe it’s because I yelled too much at my kids or they didn’t get the recommended amount of fruits and vegetables on any given day, whatever it is…there is always guilt.
When I found out I was pregnant this time around, I felt about eleventy bajillion different emotions, but mostly I wanted to feel excited but something always stopped me.
It was fear. Fear always stopped me.
After our first ultrasound, we let go of the fear, a little bit, and we told the kids about the pregnancy. Their first question? “Are there two babies? Will they die?”
It’s what they know. And that makes me sad.
As the weeks have gone by, their faith in this pregnancy has grown just as it has for us. But for me, as the baby grower, rather than just feeling LOVE and EXCITEMENT with FEAR sprinkled on top, I feel guilt.
Guilt because I’m sick. And I’m tired. And I’m emotional. All of the symptoms I am so HAPPY to have, but each one affects my family. I try to remind myself that this is a season, a necessary season in our life and I won’t always feel so poorly, I try to forgive myself and just BE pregnant, but it’s really hard.
The chores, the responsibilities build just as quickly as my guilt. I feel like a failure, like I suck at being pregnant, at the end of the day I walk through my house and notice nothing but the mess, the to-do’s left all over my home. It hurts.
But every night before I go to sleep, I lay in bed in the quiet dark. I pray, I listen, I feel my body do what it needs to do. I’m grateful for this chance to grow this child whose heart beats perfectly inside of me and I let go of the rest.
For that moment, the guilt is gone and peace rests comfortably within me.
September 10th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
ughh.. sucks to know that mom guilt never goes away.
I was hoping it was just a “new mom” thing.
It seems like all I think about are the “I shoulda’s”
I should have written down the date I saw each of his teeth come in..
I should have read to him more..
I should have kept better track of his milestones..
and on and on and on..
And then there are times just like yours when I look over at him sleeping in the video monitor and realize none of that matters….
I’m so happy you are living in the moment of this pregnancy.. it all goes by too fast…
September 11th, 2009 at 10:02 am
The Mom guilt is hard, especially when such a happy thing is the cause.
Many hugs Beth, you are such a wonder!
September 12th, 2009 at 10:19 pm
Mom guilt is something we all live with. The good news is, our kids don’t remember the little things that we didn’t get done. They remember the little things that we do with them every day. You are doing an amazing job. Don’t let the guilt win. You have so much to be thankful for.
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