The problem with naming inanimate household objects is that you run the risk of anthropomorphization—attributing human characteristics and personalities to them. For example, when our built-in microwave was broken, we purchased a cute, smaller one to use until the repairman came to replace the big one. My daughter, in a typical burst of affection, named the new little appliance “Georgia.” (Why Georgia, you ask? I’ve asked before, but I’m honestly still not completely sure.) After our built-in microwave was operational again, we decided that instead of putting Georgia in storage in the basement, we’d send “her” to a “good home”—as a housewarming gift for a colleague who was moving into a new apartment. Luckily, this (very tolerant) colleague is always willing to give my daughter an update on how Georgia is faring in her new environment.

Another example of our delusional imaginative behavior, of course, is my new little car Sheldon. His “humanity” became evident when I turned the car on for the first time and his little dashboard display said “Welcome.” Adorable!

But I took it a step further.

Because my teens have so many activities that require me to wait in parking lots for interminable periods of time—prompting me to read the car’s start-up manual from cover to cover to alleviate my boredom—I was able to program the dashboard display to greet me by name when I turned the car on. Creepy? Maybe. But it always makes me smile, and that can’t be ALL bad.

The other night, it was dark and rainy as my daughter and I were driving home from her cello lesson (in Sheldon, of course). We were listening to my iPod, which was on “Shuffle,” and we weren’t really talking. All of a sudden, in the middle of my favorite Todd Rundgren song, my daughter said, “Look! Sheldon’s talking to us!” And sure enough, there on the dashboard display was the following:

My first response was to think to myself, “Sheldon? Is that you? What’s up, honey?”

But then I realized that the car was simply displaying the title of the song that was playing.

Still, it was a little eerie.

We laughed about it, listened to the rest of the song, and wondered what would come up on Shuffle next. But when one of my favorite Joni Mitchell songs came on, things got a little weird:

“Sheldon? Honey? What’s wrong?” Now I was getting a little nervous about what the next song might be. And sure enough, it was time for an oldie by the Police:

“Okay, you’re kidding, right? I spend more time with you than I do with my husband. Or my bed. We’re together ALL THE TIME. Remember yesterday? When we went from work to home to pick up one of the kids, to bass lessons, back home to pick up another kid, to taekwondo, back to bass lessons, to McDonald’s, to confirmation, back to taekwondo…”

And this time, Sheldon interrupted my thoughts with a great song by the Crystal Method:

“I KNOW, RIGHT?!!!!!! But pretty soon they’re going to be driving themselves, so you’ll have even more company.”

“Okay, now you’re just being a big drama queen! It won’t be THAT bad! I’m sure they’ll be perfectly good drivers when they get their licenses, and I won’t worry AT ALL. I won’t watch anxiously out the window whenever a few flakes of snow fall. I won’t miss listening to each other’s music together in the car, and hearing all about the high school gossip, and talking about boys…And I won’t miss being needed and appreciated and called when it’s time to be picked up…(*sniff*)”

“I know, I know. I’m trying. I just can’t believe they’re growing up so fast.”

“Thanks for listening, Sheldon. Anything else on your mind?”

Of course there wasn’t anything else. He’s It’s a car, for crying out loud. But as we pulled into the garage, I couldn’t help but wait to see what song was coming up next before I turned off the car. I smiled as the familiar guitar chords of an old John Mayer song began:

That, my friend, is a question for the ages. You’ll have to ask the “Busy Child.”

*The Official Crazy-Lady-Who-Talks-to-Her-Car” Playlist for a Melancholy Rainy Night:
“Hello, It’s Me,” by Todd Rundgren
“Help Me,” by Joni Mitchell
“So Lonely,” by the Police
“Busy Child,” by the Crystal Method
“Smile,” by Lily Allen
“That’s All,” by Genesis
“Why Georgia,” by John Mayer

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