Normally on a Thursday morning I would feel compelled to post a long, glowing recap of the last two nights’ worth of American Idol, but frankly . . . this week I was too underwhelmed to bother. The only things worth mentioning are Jason Castro (I’m a Dreadhead, don’t judge me), David Archuleta (Warning: May cause sudden ovulation), and . . . ummm . . . I guess that’s it. And the girls? All I can say is that Amanda Overmyer has ruined “Carry On Wayward Son” for all of eternity, and the rest are in a 9-way tie for Most Mediocre Performance of the Evening.
Oh! And Chris was “out” last night on Project Runway! My heart is broken. Rami (the Serial Drapist) is fine and all, but . . . Chris! I miss you already! Your hearty laugh, your even heartier snores! I wish you all the best. Human hair and all.
So it wasn’t a good TV night for me. And to exact my revenge, I’m going to turn my attention to SOMETHING ELSE ENTIRELY. So there, TV! Read it and weep:
What follows is a public service announcement regarding your children’s musical upbringing. For those parents out there who have young children, pay close attention. You’ll thank me later.
Sometime around 4th through 6th grade, your innocent child will be approached by a music teacher. This instructor will introduce the joys of playing an instrument to your child, and try to recruit him or her to join the band or orchestra. This is all good. I grew up playing the violin in orchestras, and my daughter has had a wonderful experience playing the cello in her school orchestra.
And then there’s my son.
Let me put it this way: When your child is deciding which instrument to play, please ask yourself, Will this instrument choice affect my lifestyle for the next 20 years, and dictate the square-footage of my home as well as the type of car I drive?
Because he decided to play the bass.
And most of the time, it’s very cool and hip. Plus, the bass is a beautiful thing, because you entirely avoid the squeaking and/or squawking that beginners make on high-pitched instruments like violins, flutes, clarinets, etc. At worst, you hear a menacing growl.
But there’s more to the story than meets the eye.
Exhibit A:
This sucker is BIG! And it’s cooooold out here. (And this, my friends, is only the 3/4 size instrument. Yep, he’ll grow into the “full-size” (aka “We’re gonna need a bigger truck—or possibly a trailer”) bass in a couple of years.
But at least he’s old enough to load it into the truck himself now. Cuz you do NOT want to see pictures of me doing the Staggering Dance of Awkwardness with that sucker. Trust me.
Pay no attention to the filthy truck. I am saving the environment by refusing to wash my vehicle for the entire winter. (It ain’t easy being a conscientious caretaker of the earth.)
Whew! I’m getting tired just watching this!
Almost there . . .
Alrighty, then. Mission accomplished. Now I can drive with a giant alien bass monster tickling my ear and completely eliminating my peripheral vision. But now I’m just nitpicking.
Oh, and one more thing about the upright bass: I’m convinced that it’s an insidious “Gateway Instrument,” leading to the consumption of other, more exotic instruments.
Exhibit B:
The electric bass! Of course!
And we ALL know what the electric bass leads to:
And before you know it, he’s on the road, surrounded by gold-digging groupies, and assorted BAD INFLUENCES.
But for now? I kinda like this:
My point?
Think before you choose. Just sayin’.
You’re welcome.
[Note: Okay, I admit that being involved in music has been the joy of my son's life, and his music instructors have been tremendous mentors. I truly couldn't be happier about his choices. But would the trumpet have been SO bad?]
February 28th, 2008 at 1:41 pm
My brother played the upright bass, so I’m familiar with the monstrosity! Parents should also be warned of the french horn, which is what I played for 7 years. While it is a beautiful instrument, it could cause your child much ridicule when they try to jam the thing in between bus seats, only to awkwardly half-sit on it when another child is forced to sit next to them—a little too closely, I might add—on the bus, while the bus driver is yelling at them to hurry it up, why don’t you. But I’m not bitter or anything
February 28th, 2008 at 6:17 pm
Oh, the bass will do much better for him and the ladies! Trust me! : ) And you HAVE to catch Jim Cantinelli’s 1 minute PR recaps if you haven’t already at Blogging Project Runway…
http://bloggingprojectrunway.blogspot.com/
Steph
March 5th, 2008 at 9:41 am
I played the electric bass in high school. I can still hear Jill Puffnock (her name has been changed to protect her dignity) oooohing from the front row when I launched into “Smoke on the Water.” As for the upright bass…he can always hope for a Stray Cats revival.
P.S. Our car was so filthy that when I got it washed, my boys walked right past it in the parking lot because they didn’t recognize it. They had begun to think we had a “gray” car.
March 5th, 2008 at 11:03 am
The cool thing about playing bass is the shear demand for a bass player…so many guitars…so many drums…just a very few quintesential bad___ bass players driving the music to new expansive worlds…did you say gateway…
March 9th, 2008 at 2:14 pm
while playing guitar hero recently and having been handed my, um, gluteus maximus to me by a boy not to far from your son’s age, i can truly say how jealous i still am of children who were able to play school instruments. i actually wanted to play the trumpet. but when we too started getting those phone calls at the end of grade school from those teachers peddling orchestra, my mom said no thank you. i always thought it was because of money, but now i absolutey think my mother had an intuition that i am and would forever be, sadly, tonedeaf. and now the only keyboard i play is the one plugged into my computer.
by the way, the previously mentioned little punk doesn’t know it yet, but next time i see him, i’m gonne glue his guitar hero buttons down . . . look AND talk to me while mocking my medium-level ‘my name is jonas’ 45,000 points with his expert 350,000. AND I AM BIITTER.
March 13th, 2008 at 11:52 am
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April 15th, 2008 at 8:47 pm
Well, I wasn’t given a choice when it came to instruments. We owned a trumpet and therefore, I had to play the trumpet. I’m sorry, but girls just don’t look right playing the trumpet. There’s nothing feminine about playing the trumpet. You have to blow out your spit every now and then onto the floor. Brass instruments also smell and taste old and nasty. Not to mention the fact that my brother and sister had also learned to play on the same trumpet. How gross. Bitter? Absolutely!
September 29th, 2008 at 2:55 pm
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