I’ve been kind of a spoiled brat lately.

I’m four months pregnant now, and the reality of having a newborn soon is hitting me. I’m scared, to be honest. I haven’t had a newborn in nine years. So not only am I afraid that I won’t remember how to take care of one, but I’m also sad that a little part of my freedom is being taken away.

Isabella is so independent now. She takes her own showers, cleans up after herself (for the most part), dresses herself, can brush her teeth and hair… the list goes on. So the thought of going back to having to do all of those things for someone else is a little daunting.

I also think about how my social life will change. Right now, Isabella goes to her dad’s two to three nights a week. And on some of those nights, Justin and I hang out with other couples or we’ll have a date night. But when this new baby comes along, he/she won’t have another parent to go to. We’ll have him/her ALL THE TIME. So in my head I picture that Justin and I won’t ever be able to go on a date again, and especially not with other couples. Surely they wouldn’t want a baby hanging around with us! I feel like my social life is over.

So basically, I’m being incredibly selfish.

But it ends now. I’ve come to realize that I’m taking my blessings for granted. This is what I’ve been wanting for so long: to have a child with a man I love within the covenant of marriage. It’s also what so many other people want but can’t have. Yes, I’ll be sacrificing more of myself than I am now and yes, it’s okay to be scared about that, but it’s not okay to dwell on it and complain about it.

Plus, I should know from my experience last time that once the baby comes, I will in no way feel like my life is worse. When Isabella was born, I was surprised to see that life with her in the world was exponentially better than life without her. And I know the same will be true of my next child, and any others we may have after that. So from now on, I’m going to look to the future with happiness, excitement, a little bit of nervousness, and a lot of gratitude. I’m finally going to get what I’ve been wanting, and I’m no longer going to take that for granted.