Stop Looking at Me

The more I looked at this picture , the more out of control my mental state became.  We found it amongst computer cables, old files, and other mundane, out in the garage.

I hadn’t seen this picture in years.  It was from Before.

It’s a picture of my middle child, now turning 5 in two months, back when he was not yet 2.  It was before he was a big brother himself, before we lived in the Midwest.  And before he regressed into autism.

This sweet almost 2 year old was still aware of his world.  He knew what connecting to people, really connecting, was all about.  He didn’t get into a state of rage for days on end, he didn’t have that look in his eye that told you he wasn’t really there.  It was before he was age 3.

As I looked at those blonde curls in the picture, and I ached in my belly for that baby.  That boy left us.  And even though he’s slowly coming back, and has made so much progress in the last two years, he still hasn’t fully returned.

We don’t know if he ever will.

This child is having a very hard time right now.  It hurts us and frustrates us and honestly, makes us enraged at times.  Not at him, but at…everything else.  At the world that he can’t be a part of.

I’m posting this picture so I can get used to looking at it with hope, instead of sadness.  Joy instead of grief.

I’ll get there.  And so will he.

***

Arianne also blogs at To Think Is To Create .

For years and years we’ve had to get up at night with one or more of our boys.  Autism is not conducive to sleep, and so it would go — one would wake up, I would help him, another would wake and my husband would help, just to have the third wake as I was finishing with the first.  Adding all this up, I can’t believe we functioned most days.

I know for sure, that while the past 7 years haven’t flown by, they’ve also been somewhat of a blur.  I have to wonder, is this because it’s been so hard, or because I wasn’t really awake for most of it?

Now as the boys progress thankfully seems to inch forward each day, we are in this place now where all three boys are in their own beds, and (mostly) sleeping through the night.  They still wake from a nightmare on occasion, or because of accidents or just to sleep walk.  But for the most part, we know that once they’re in bed, it’s for the night.  We never thought we’d be able to say that!

So now comes the revelation that I just *now* started sleeping through the night myself, when I hadn’t since I was 24 YEARS OLD.  I was an entirely different person then.  A babe in the woods, with the world at her feet.  Now I’m me, all twisty and complicated.  And happy.  What a step!  What a leap.

I think I’ll go take a nap to celebrate.

***

Arianne also blogs about life and everything else at To Think Is To Create .

Image via Wikipedia

Today I’m tying up lose ends for work, gathering guest posts for my personal blog (will have some fab content while I’m away!), and doing an insane amount of laundry.  All of this because tomorrow I’ll be leaving for Austin TX for the SxSWi conference, for 5 whole days.

The fact that I’m leaving for 5 days and it’s not a big huge deal, is really a big huge deal.  That I can go away at all, much less for that long, without the kids experiencing all kinds of issues, is truly a miracle.

Traveling with kids with autism (or any kind of special needs) takes a lot of planning and forethought, but traveling without them and leaving them at home requires just as much, if not more.  When we travel, even though their routines are out the window and they have a hard time handling even the smallest thing (like all the people in an airport, for example), at least I’m there with them and know I’ll be able to problem solve whatever comes up.

Traveling without them means setting up all their routines, diet, schedule, medications, help, outings etc, ahead of time.  Foreseeing any potential bumps in the road, making sure every last tiny detail is figured out ahead of time, and last but not least — preparing them for my absence.

There was a time when I couldn’t leave for even a day, much less 5.  It wasn’t worth putting them through it, and with autism any regression is scary because there’s always the risk of them not bouncing back this time.  Of them staying in that darker place, lost and disconnected.

So today as I’m a little stressed from not enough time and too much to do, I also celebrate that this is all happening.  Every step of progress is one that we celebrate, and today, we’re celebrating.

***

Arianne also writes at her personal blog To Think Is To Create

Image by julay via Flickr

Yesterday we had such fickle weather, one second it was cold and not a stitch of wind in the air, the next we were hearing tornado sirens, seeing dark clouds clawing and stretching towards the ground, and taking things seriously and retreating into the basement.

This scenario has happened many times before, but apparently my kids hadn’t remembered ever having to head to the basement to avoid potential twister run-ins.  They were visibly shaking, crying and over all just terrified that our house would blow away, all the neighbors’ pets would be stuck up in trees and that they’d have no underwear when we went back upstairs.

Thinking my oldest son was simply worried about our safety, and that was the reason for his meltdown, I calmly assured him that we were fine, we had each other, and God was protecting us.  He frantically disagreed, saying, "but what if the video games blow away???? ".

My husband and I tried not to giggle in that moment, and continued to work on chilling everyone out.  My oldest was shaken up the rest of the day though, obsessing over the what-if’s.  Asking question after question like, "where do you go when a tornado takes you away ?" and "how does a tornado kill you, exactly? ".

I felt grateful that I can normally bear the fears and burdens for my kids, reminding myself that their sensitive hearts need much protecting, and made a mental note to grab the video games next time.

***

Arianne also writes at her personal blog To Think Is To Create

I have been traveling a lot lately, to business meetings, conferences, even a Disney mom blogger cruise.  All of this travel would have never been possible for me a year ago, because the children were not in the place they are now.  They weren’t able to handle even a tiny change in routine, or handle Dad being the one in charge. Their autism ruled the house, ruled them, ruled every single thing we did.

Boy have times changed.

Even though this last weekend things seemed to get a little harder for everyone to manage, the fact that I’ve been gone every other week and the kids aren’t experiencing any major regression is a HUGE plus.  There was a time when we never thought we’d be able to go anywhere.  My husband and I felt like prisoners, unable to even go out for a night on our own.

I think of the many things that families who don’t deal with special needs children don’t understand, or perhaps even take for granted, is the fact that when it comes down to it, they have the option to go places and do things if they desire and work out the logisitcs.  They don’t have to figure out if their kids can handle them leaving and going to the store.  Leaving over night.  Leaving for a weekend.

It isn’t even a factor.

I’m glad it’s not a factor for them, I feel like this type of micro-managing of life can make you go a little crazy, and wouldn’t wish it on anyone.  But it’s yet another piece to the larger pie that creates our lifestyle.

It’s a factor.

But we work hard on their progress, every day.  All day.  And now it’s ok for mom or dad to go away for a few days.  What a success!  Our next step is the kids themselves.  Getting them to handle going away themselves, without regression, without drama and without regret.

We aren’t there yet, but we will be.

***

Arianne also blogs at To Think Is To Create

Whenever a show I love is canceled or runs its course, I’m always sad to say goodbye to some of my favorite characters.  We get used to visiting them in their homes and workplaces every week, so it’s difficult to say goodbye.

What eases the TV pain is when the actors who played our favorite characters come back to film or TV on a new show, giving us more small doses of the same voice, mannerisms, and more.

So you can imagine how excited I was when I first heard about the new TNT show Trust Me , starring two of my favorite actors–Erik McCormack and Tom Cavanagh as ad guys in Chicago.  Will and Grace was an institution for so long, and the show Ed was one of the smartest shows out there.  Both these charming and handsome men are so fun to watch, so I couldn’t wait to see Trust Me in action.

I was able to get early copies of the first two episodes thanks to Beth Feldman at Rolemommy.com , and I love the syndergy of these two actors as they play the yin and yang type odd couple formula that works so well. McCormack is straight man to Cavanagh’s quirk, but Cavanagh being the tortured artist is when he really resonates the most.

The rest of the cast is full of talented people, including Monica Potter (whom met with a group of mommybloggers here in Chicago just this last Friday!) as the award winning copywriter who rubs people the wrong way.  The first two episodes are a lot of fun, and I can’t wait to tune in each week to yet another TNT winner.

Be sure to catch the show on Monday nights on TNT at 10/9 CST!

**This giveaway is now over, thanks to all who entered!

A week of weather (that makes me wonder if we actually live in the Arctic tundra) has been keeping us all on our toes, trying to figure out how to survive these long winter months with special needs kids.  It’s really difficult when we go through the goodies from Christmas and still come up empty handed, because so many of the toys and fun things to do require them to initiate play on their own.  A skill my boys with autism have yet to acquire.

Some toys have really stood out though–they are educational, fun to play while still being a challenge, and best yet, can be taken on the go–and they’re from Leapfrog .

The LeapFrog Tag is somewhat of a phenomenon in our home.  It’s a “pen” that helps kids “read” a book.  As they go through the book, they tap on different places in the book and hear a voice read the story, listen to fun noises, and altogether sit in awe and wonder.

This is a huge deal for us, because our boys have never been able to (and therefore hated) sitting and being read to.

The Tag plugs into the computer, downloads the story, and you sit and enjoy.  Such a piece of cake!  Even though it’s easy to use and seems to be somewhat simple, just plugging it in and taking one look at the LeapFrog Connect software shows all the work behind this product.  We love smart stuff, so the Tag is a winner.

The other new favorite, the Leapster2 , with it’s easy to hold design and attached stylus, is so fun and smart that my 4 year old adores this new treasure.  It’s a hand held game system, but each game includes learning and pop quizzes along the way in the quest to fight the bad guys.  Great combo, no?
Our favorite game so far is the Wall-E game , but they have a plethora of game choices for you to choose.  The Leapster2 comes in different colors as well, so your Star Wars lover and your Pink Princess can each have one that suites their taste just right.

The interactivity that Leap Frog provides via their website and unique program they include with the Leapster, means that our “Leapie” as my son calls it, is totally customized and synced with the online Leap Frog system.  It tracks what he’s learning, which products and games we have, and helps with suggestions if there are new learning areas we want to explore (check out the Learning Path –so cool!).  This geeky family can’t get enough!

Win it!  Leap Frog wants to give a Leapster2 and one game to one of you lucky readers!

To Enter: Check out the different Leapster games , and comment here telling me which one you’d want if you were to win.  You can win extra entries by tweeting (include @ToThink and the link to this giveaway in your tweet) the giveaway, or by posting this giveaway on any social media site.  Please leave an extra comment here for each entry.  Contest ends next Saturday, Jan 24th at noon.  Good Luck!

**This giveaway is now over.  Thanks to all who participated!

All growing up, we usually got jammies, socks, underwear or a tooth brush from Santa.  Many times, it was all of the above.  I used to think that it was Santa just being smart, but now as a mother myself I realize it was a great way to get what I needed and for my parents to check off a gift from the list of things to buy (note to self: start giving underwear while the kids still think it’s cool…).

This year my kids got to try out the softest jammies ever, thanks to The Children’s Place .  My son wants to wear them every single night, and this coming from a jammie connoisseur (i.e. a different set for every night) is huge.  Usually they are very picky about what goes on their bodies in general, but especially at bedtime.  Because they are on the autism spectrum, like many other ASD kids they have sensory issues that make some more normal clothes feel like sandpaper.  These jammies stand miles above the rest with their incredibly soft fabric and design.

Check out this Rocket PJ Set [$16.50], our favorite:

We simply cannot get over the soft feeling (yay for micro fleece!) and the super cool style.  Who knew boys would adore jammies so much?  I think I’ve created some monsters.

The Children’s Place carries jammies for all ages, and these Rocket pj’s go all the way up to size 14.  A great idea for that last minute gift you just couldn’t decide on!

Win it! Guess what?  The Children’s Place wants you to be able to have your own awesome jammies, and I’m giving away a $30 gift card to The Children’s Place to one lucky reader!  To Enter:  Go to The Children’s Place website (boys here and girls here ) and leave a comment here telling me which jammies you think your wee one will adore.  You can get an extra entry for tweeting and/or blogging about this contest (for a total of 3 possible entries).  Please leave an extra comment with the url of your tweet and your post.  Contest ends Dec 30th at noon.  Good luck!

I am the queen of last minute Christmas to-do’s.  I don’t know if it’s because I’m so busy it’s hard to carve out the time to shop and ship, or if it’s that my kids exhaust me so much that I simply give up trying to do anything special until the guilt sets in during the home stretch.

Well, this week that all too familiar "oh snap" feeling set in, and I’ve been scrambling a bit to get things done.  Last week I was lucky enough to receive some cookies in the mail shipped via FedEx , just so they could show me how great they are at shipping delicate baked items.  I was surprised–any cookies I’ve had sent to me seemed to be reduced to crumbles by the time it made it to me, but these cookies arrived in perfect condition.

Here’s the FedEx "recipe" for success, and just in time for overnight delivery today for you late bloomers like me:

–Place the baked goods in a sturdy container and layer wax paper between the baked goods, using crumbled paper to fill in void spaces

–Secure the lid of the container to the body with tape, to keep it from accidentally popping off

–Place the container in a sturdy FedEx box and use newspaper or plastic grocery bags to cushion the container tightly in place.

–Shake the box…if you can feel or hear any movement, add more cushioning.

Now that my boys want to prepare a box for shipping…even if it’s full of *only* the packing material…I think we’re set.  Note to family:  we love snickerdoodles.

**Arianne also blogs at To Think Is To Create

**This Giveaway Is Over, Thanks To All Who Entered!

We’ve been enjoying some snow here, and while we haven’t seen any snow days, we have only two *gulp* days left before the kids are off school for two *gulp* weeks. I’ve been asking for ideas on winter time activities, all kids can get bored indoors, but mine being special needs kids means they aren’t really into playing in general. They need tons of direction, and tons of patience.

We were excited to try out the Vtech KidiArt Studio , because it looked fun and easy to use, but we had no idea what a total BLAST we’d have with this toy!

You can use it at either the TV or the computer, and you basically just snap photos with the digital camera and let your imagination do the rest. My kids loved to take funny face pictures, or pictures of inanimate objects like a shoe or a crayon, and then dress them up and create a "movie" with Mr Shoe.

This toy is a bit more into that "investment" range, but we loved how it was not only the fun digital art studio–but also a great desk to have around for when the kids just wanted to sit at it and color, eat or even read. I’ve found it to be the perfect height for my two older boys, and I know it’s sturdiness will outlast their craziness.

Win it! VTech is generously giving away a Vtech KidiArt Studio to one lucky reader!

To enter: Go here and watch the (really short) video about the KidiArt Studio and then leave a comment here telling me which feature you think your kids will enjoy the most.

**You can get an extra entry by tweeting and/or by posting about this contest (total of three entries per person). Please leave a comment for each additional entry.

**Contest ends Monday December 22nd at Noon. The winner won’t get the toy before Christmas, but at least ya’ll will know it’s on it’s way! Good luck!