The more I looked at this picture , the more out of control my mental state became. We found it amongst computer cables, old files, and other mundane, out in the garage.
I hadn’t seen this picture in years. It was from Before.
It’s a picture of my middle child, now turning 5 in two months, back when he was not yet 2. It was before he was a big brother himself, before we lived in the Midwest. And before he regressed into autism.
This sweet almost 2 year old was still aware of his world. He knew what connecting to people, really connecting, was all about. He didn’t get into a state of rage for days on end, he didn’t have that look in his eye that told you he wasn’t really there. It was before he was age 3.
As I looked at those blonde curls in the picture, and I ached in my belly for that baby. That boy left us. And even though he’s slowly coming back, and has made so much progress in the last two years, he still hasn’t fully returned.
We don’t know if he ever will.
This child is having a very hard time right now. It hurts us and frustrates us and honestly, makes us enraged at times. Not at him, but at…everything else. At the world that he can’t be a part of.
I’m posting this picture so I can get used to looking at it with hope, instead of sadness. Joy instead of grief.
I’ll get there. And so will he.
***
Arianne also blogs at To Think Is To Create .
May 1st, 2009 at 3:16 pm
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May 1st, 2009 at 3:30 pm
Arianne you are one amazing lady. It is not often that blog posts make me cry (hallmark cards are killer though) and this one did. I admire your quiet strength and your hope.
You rock and I am praying for your little guy. I hope I get to meet him one of these days.
Maggie
May 1st, 2009 at 3:30 pm
Thank-you so much for sharing such a powerful memory and its connection to your world today.
May 1st, 2009 at 4:34 pm
What a beautiful post. I hope that one day (sooner than later) that boy returns. You both deserve it.
-Abby
May 1st, 2009 at 4:50 pm
This is beautiful Arianne. He’s lucky to have you as a mom - but something tells me he already knows that.
May 1st, 2009 at 7:14 pm
My heart is aching knowing you’re going thru this. I pray that this week is no indication of the weeks to come. Just a valley with rivers up ahead.
Steph
May 2nd, 2009 at 8:08 am
I’m praying for you this weekend. Your sons are all so lucky to have you for a mom. Lucky that you are strong and passionate and will not stop fighting for them.
May 2nd, 2009 at 8:20 am
You amaze me in so many ways. Your strength and honesty in writing this is one, but your overall grace in dealing with all that’s on your plate continually amazes me. I hope and pray that this is just a minor step back, that the steps forward come quickly and soon.
May 2nd, 2009 at 9:45 am
I am keeping you in my thoughts today, thinking of your memory and what it means to you. Thank you for sharing it with us, even with the pain it currently bring.
May 2nd, 2009 at 5:59 pm
Wow, this is my first visit to your blog and it brought tears to my eyes. I haven’t ever dealt with a child with autism, but I’m sure it is rough. Keep up the strength that your words reveal you have. I pray for you and your family.
May 6th, 2009 at 6:12 pm
I admire your optimism and your strength. I really wish I had words of wisdom to help you get through this, Arianne. My heart goes out to you. *hug*
July 8th, 2009 at 6:13 am
My son left 30 years ago. Things don’t get easier you get tougher. Good luck and my prayers are with you.
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