I am in pain. I am mortified. I am puzzled. But more importantly, I feel so badly for my wife and my beloved son. My family is suffering terribly. The very highly regarded, extended Van Til family has to wonder about this too.

All because of the idiocy of the last several weeks. By my actions recently, I've managed to cast doubts on a long and very productive career that's always been marked by integrity. I've always worked at doing things right while seeing so much major wrong around me in government.

Recent incidents I participated in that at first seemed comparatively small were actually important concepts. My only consolation is that ironically no taxpayer's money was lost; in fact, significant money is being saved. That's always been my focus, but during these weeks I've certainly approached these goals in an odd way.

The first incident, briefly allowing county vehicle misuse, was about the dumbest mistake I ever made. The more recent thing, temporarily getting county gas instead of receiving the more expensive county mileage reimbursement, seemed logical and isn't against the rules or accepted county practice notwithstanding others' denials. But it certainly wasn't wise and so unlike me that I can't believe it.

It's hard to even think about it, when I look at my career, which has been so carefully built on doing the right thing. It hurts to even think that people might think that I haven't served them first and well when I really do that every day.

It's difficult to really explain the last several weeks. I can't ever remember a time when private personal concerns were pressing so heavily on me as they have for several months. That combined with serious medical issues, plus constant sniping and snooping by small-time petty political terrorists, have put me in an intense pressure cooker. That being said, it's an explanation, not an excuse.

There is good coming from all this, but it's for the public, not for me. The public will save thousands of dollars that I will lose, by giving up a vehicle that has always been part of the traditional surveyor's compensation for about a half century. That's good.

Also, the public will finally get an effective county vehicle usage policy. I know that with my bad experience and good intellect I will help craft the best.

Finally, the public will get from me a renewed effort and a determination to do whatever it takes to regain my good reputation while I try to get things better personally.

For me, I hope my family, friends and staff to bear with me while I re-establish that I am an honorable person and a very good public servant.