Lori Alexander, a licensed mental health counselor at Franciscan Health Dyer,,.discusses how to listen to teens and keep the relationship open.
Slammed doors, eye rolls, pouting, arguments, tears, threats, derision and the silent treatment.
These are barriers to open communications between teens and parents, and they prevent effective problem solving. But reaching a consensus depends upon many factors including age.
Dr. Pablo Bukata of Associated Pediatricians notes the differing challenges in communicating with teens as they age from 13-19.
“There are also different stages of adolescents — a 13-year-old is very different than a 19-year-old,” says Dr. Pablo Bukata, a pediatrician at Associated Pediatricians with offices in Portage and Valparaiso. “There is an obvious move toward independence, and each child and young adult will proceed differently.”
A parent's expectation when it comes to communication also differs from that of their teen.
Mary Beth Bustos, family nurse practitioner with NorthShore Health Centers, says a direct question followed by a detailed one can improve communication with teens.
“Open communication during the teen years often looks a lot like closed communication,” Mary Beth Bustos, a nurse practitioner at NorthShore Health, says, pointing out that when parents ask an open-ended question such as "how was school today?" they often receive a short, direct response such as fine, good or terrible. That can leave parents feeling disappointed because it’s not the response they want. even if it's realistic.
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“Parents should let their teenagers know that they are not trying to pry, pester or judge, they want to know how things are going, and that even limited responses from their teen is better than no response," Bustos says.
It is important to remember that no single moment defines the relationship, says Lori Alexander, a licensed mental health counselor and supervisor of behavioral health social work at the St. Francis Center at Franciscan Health Dyer.
“There will be times of closeness and times with a little more distance,” she says. “It is important to have daily communication, but every day does not need to be heavy communication.”
Instead, Alexander says that day-to-day positive interactions pave the way to maintain the closeness needed when bigger issues do occur. Daily, light chats about everyday life would be a reasonable expectation.
“It has been suggested that we need nine positive interactions for every negative interaction just to keep a neutral tone within relationships so looking for opportunities to compliment a teen helps to create a positive relational tone,” she says.
Studies show that families who share meal time have better communication, Bukata says, noting that’s very hard to do given school activities, work, sports and other demands on our time.
“But even then a few times a week where everyone is together is better than zero times,” he says, adding that the goal is a daily conversation, regardless of everyone’s schedule.
“Engaging the teenager with adult questions about the home or about family plans makes them feel like grownups, too,” he says.
Bustos says that ideally parents should be communicating with their teen in the morning before school even for parents who leave the home first. They can shoot off a quick text such as “have a great day” or “let me know if you have anything after school.”
After school, she continues, is when parents' questions can get more pointed, asking about what went on. A follow-up to a one-word reply could be “it was only good? Was it better/worse than you hoped?”
“When it comes to teenagers and realistic expectations, honesty is the best policy,” says Bustos. “Parents should let their teenagers know that they are not trying to pry, pester or judge, they want to know how things are going, and that even limited responses from their teen is better than no response.”
“Simply listening and being available is effective,” says Alexander. “Listen to understand. Give undivided attention. Children need to know that they are important enough to outweigh other tasks and time demands. Validating emotions, open-ended questions and reflective and empathic responses encourage teens to share. Dismissive, disinterested, judgmental or angry reactions shut down communication quickly.”
Effective listening is key, and it takes time. Bustos says one technique that works well is learning to be OK in uncomfortable silences. Most people rush to fill silences but by waiting it out, teens often fill the gap.
Stop what you’re doing when the teen is talking.
Teens also may tell us things we find alarming. Think before you react, says Alexander.
"We must be calm to utilize our brains in the most efficient way and respond most appropriately,” she advises, noting that it might be wise to discuss the matter with a trusted friend, partner or even a therapist to choose the best response. “Take time to be purposeful in your response rather than reactive. Communication has different purposes at different times. Sometimes we communicate to prove a point or to instruct. Often the focus of communication with teens in stressful situations just needs to be maintaining the lines of communication and sharing a sense of love and acceptance. Take time to really understand what the teen is saying and what underlying issues are contributing to the situation.”
Don’t rush to judgment and don’t hurry them, says Bukata.
And keep in mind that communication comes in many forms.
If a teen isn’t comfortable talking, maybe texting is the answer, says Bustos.
